


now all that's left is something numb

by quake_quiver



Series: Ten Trails Challenge: Trail 2 [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Recovering Addict Sam Winchester, Recovering Memories, Repressed Memories, Roommates to lovers, mentions of nausea and vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:22:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27223444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quake_quiver/pseuds/quake_quiver
Summary: Sam starts chewing at his bottom lip. Cas keeps his hands going through Sam’s hair, not wanting to rush him.“I remembered something that happened while I was with Ruby,” Sam says softly after a moment.Castiel’s heart sinks.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester, past Sam Winchester/Ruby
Series: Ten Trails Challenge: Trail 2 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953442
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	now all that's left is something numb

**Author's Note:**

> This was for the prompt "repressed memories" from allllllll the way back on the 6th. I'm debating turning this into a little verse in the future, but for now, here's some context that isn't in the fic that might be helpful: Sam and Cas started as roommates after Sam got out of rehab and needed somewhere to stay that wasn't with his abusive and still-addicted ex-girlfriend. At the time of this fic, they've probably been together for only six months, but living together for about a year and a half.
> 
> Enjoy!!

When Castiel gets home, he goes through the usual motions: hangs up his coat and toes off his shoes, greets Whiskey and Lebanon when they trot up to him with their tails wagging, and then journeys into the kitchen.

He’s expecting Sam to be bustling around the kitchen as usual, ready to greet him with a grin and a kiss, but Sam doesn’t move when he comes in.

He’s standing in front of the stove, head bowed like he’s staring at the bubbling pot on the burner.

“Sam?” Cas says quietly, ignoring Whiskey and Lebanon trying to get his attention as he approaches his boyfriend.

Sam doesn’t respond. Cas comes up next to him, gently resting a hand on his shoulder and peering up into his face.

Sam’s eyes are shining with tears. He’s staring vacantly into the pot, and Cas frowns at how pale his face is.

“Sam?” Cas tries. “Honeybee?”

Sam swallows, his eyes flicking to Cas’s. Cas switches off the burner—whatever is in the pot is burning, anyway—and offers him a small smile.

“Hey. Are you alright?”

Sam shakes his head. He blinks, and Cas feels like Sam is staring right through him rather than actually seeing him.

Cas squeezes his shoulder and reaches up with his free hand, gently testing Sam’s forehead. Sam doesn’t feel overly warm, which just concerns Cas more. Sam’s always a little disoriented when he’s feverish; at least then Cas would know what to do.

The dogs are trotting around the kitchen, and Lebanon jumps up onto Sam, looking to be played with.

Sam startles, jumping backward. His hands come up to cover his face, and Cas immediately orders Lebanon down.

Lebanon listens, staring at him with her tongue lolling. Cas looks between Lebanon and Whiskey and Sam, not wanting to leave his boyfriend but knowing he needs to go put the dogs away for a bit. Two hyper dogs aren't going to help this situation.

“I’ll be right back, Sam,” Cas says quietly. “I’m going to put Whisk and Leb away, and then I’ll be back.”

Sam nods. It’s a jerky movement, and Cas doesn’t like the way that Sam’s settled into holding himself protectively, hunching over, almost cowering.

He doesn’t want to leave Sam alone for long, so he’s quick about closing the dogs into the mudroom. Whiskey and Lebanon aren’t thrilled—they would both much rather be with Sam, Cas knows—but they settle onto their beds easily enough.

When Cas comes back into the kitchen, Sam hasn’t moved, although he’s started shaking.

“I’m back,” Cas says. “What can I do to help, Sam?”

Sam just looks at him. He’s at least meeting Cas’s eyes, now, instead of vacantly staring past him, but Cas can tell that Sam’s still more there than here.

Cas offers his hand. Sam takes it after a moment, although his grip is weak and shaky, and allows himself to be lead into the living room. Cas sits down on the couch, and Sam stiffly follows, although he does lay down and rest his head on Cas’s legs of his own volition.

Cas starts threading his fingers through Sam’s hair. He doesn’t say anything, wanting to let Sam have the space he clearly needs at the moment.

They stay like that for a while, Cas sitting quietly and staring out the window. His fingers never stop moving through Sam’s hair.

Eventually, Sam moves, shifting so that his whole upper body is sprawled across Cas’s lap instead of just his head. On his back, he blinks up at Cas and offers a very tired smile.

“Sorry,” Sam whispers.

“It’s okay,” Cas murmurs. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Pretty sure I burnt dinner,” Sam whispers. “Pretty sure I didn’t say a word to you when you came in, either.”

“It’s okay,” Cas repeats. “We’ll figure dinner out in a bit. I’m more interested in making sure you’re okay.”

Sam sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. “I’m…I’ll be okay.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sam starts chewing at his bottom lip. Cas keeps his hands going through Sam’s hair, not wanting to rush him.

“I remembered something that happened while I was with Ruby,” Sam says softly after a moment.

Castiel’s heart sinks. “Ah…honeybee, I’m sorry.”

Sam shrugs weakly. He tries for another smile, but it falls flat, and Castiel’s heart breaks when he realizes Sam’s eyes are filling with tears.

Cas leans down and presses a kiss to Sam’s forehead. One of Sam’s trembling hands comes up and closes around Cas’s wrist, holding on as Cas keeps playing with his hair.

Cas doesn’t push. He never does. Rediscovering memories has to be hard enough; the last thing he wants to do is make it worse by pressuring Sam to talk about it.

“I’m surprised I haven’t panicked yet,” Sam continues, tone slightly dulled. “I guess I’m still trying to believe that it happened.”

Cas frowns, wrapping his free arm gently around Sam’s waist. He doesn’t want to know what horror Sam has unearthed, doesn’t want to face how badly his lover had to hurt once upon a time. But if Sam wants to tell him, Cas will listen.

“I threw up earlier,” Sam continues, still in that eerily nonchalant tone. “Maybe that’s why I haven’t really panicked yet.”

“You threw up?” Cas echoes, saddened and concerned. At least the paleness makes more sense now. “Are you alright?”

Sam shrugs again, blinking, and a few tears roll down his cheeks. “Happens sometimes when I remember things. It was a few minutes before you got home, I think.”

Cas presses another kiss to Sam’s forehead. “How do you feel now?”

“Still nauseous,” Sam admits, more emotion starting to color his voice. “Still trying to…still trying to believe that she really did that.”

Cas pets through Sam’s hair, shushing him softly when Sam loses the battle with his tears and starts to cry in earnest, shoulders hitching with sobs.

“She,” Sam chokes, “I…”

“Easy,” Cas soothes. “You don’t have to talk right now if you don’t want to.”

Sam shakes his head, convulsing with another sob. “She--when I was fucked up I’d—I’d get to a point where I was—where I was just laying down somewhere, and I’d be—I’d be almost catatonic, Cas, and she…she would…”

Cas swallows against the lump forming in his own throat. Sam grips his shirt tight in his free hand, Cas’s wrist still held fast in his other hand, and Cas hates how hard he’s sobbing.

“I didn’t want it,” Sam whimpers. “I never wanted it, Cas, I never—I never wanted it, but she would do—do it anyway.”

Cas blinks, tears rolling down his own cheeks, and carefully shifts so that he’s laying down. He pulls Sam in against his chest and lets him cry, weeping with him, feeling utterly horrified and revolted that someone would do that.

“Sometimes she would—she would let Gadreel or Lucifer do it, too, and I never—I never wanted it. It _hurt_.”

Cas pulls him in tighter. Sam shudders against him, hyperventilating with sobs, and Cas wishes more than anything that he could just take Sam’s pain away.

Sam falls quiet after that, crying too hard to speak, and Cas just holds him through it, trying to anchor him, trying to comfort him, absolutely devastated that this ever happened to him.

Eventually Sam calms, his sobs fading to calmer crying and then to nothing at all. He stays curled blearily against Cas for several minutes, completely silent and clearly exhausted, and Cas holds him through that, too.

“I want to go sleep by myself for a while,” Sam whispers eventually, voice worn from all the crying.

“Okay,” Cas says. “Do you want anything to eat first?”

Sam’s face scrunches and he shakes his head. Cas realizes he’s probably still sick to his stomach, so he doesn’t push it, just presses a kiss to Sam’s temple and guides him to his feet.

Sam doesn’t say anything else as they go down the hall, just sniffles occasionally and avoids looking Cas in the eyes. When they reach their bedroom, Sam goes straight to the bed and crawls under the covers, his back to Cas as he shuts the curtains to block out the early evening sunlight.

“Do you need anything?” Cas asks before he leaves, pausing in the doorway.

“The dogs,” Sam whispers. “Please.”

“Of course,” Cas says, and leaves their door open as he rushes to the mudroom and lets Whiskey and Lebanon back into the rest of the house.

They’re both immediately on the lookout for Sam, but when Cas goes down the hallway, they follow. Cas pauses in the doorway as both dogs jump onto the bed and nose at Sam, obviously aware that something’s wrong. Whiskey lays down against Sam’s back, pressing tight to him, and Lebanon curls up against his belly.

Cas spots Sam’s hand leave his cocoon of blankets and fist into Lebanon’s fur.

Just before he closes the door, Cas thinks he can hear Sam crying again. It decimates him, but he’ll respect Sam’s wish to be alone right now.

For now, Cas returns to the kitchen. He cleans up the remains of Sam’s unfinished and half-burnt dinner and then pulls out the ingredients for tomato and rice soup.

It makes him think of Dean. He’ll tell Sam to call him tomorrow, or later tonight if Sam’s doing alright. It always does Sam well to talk to his brother, whether or not he comes clean about what’s bothering him—even though he almost always does.

Cas just wishes he could take all of this away from Sam. Wishes he could snap his fingers and make it all go away. He can’t, though, so he’ll just pour his full effort into making Sam’s healing as easy as possible.

While Cas cooks the soup, he cries. He lets himself sob, even if he tries to muffle the sound to keep from waking Sam. Cas is just so heartbroken that Sam went through any of the things he did while he was with Ruby.

While the soup simmers, Cas sets an alarm on his phone and pads back down the hallway. He eases open their door, and both dogs immediately turn to him, staring him down.

They’ll protect Sam, Cas knows, even from him. He’s endlessly grateful to them for that.

He thinks Sam is asleep, but then he turns toward the door and whispers a hello.

“Sorry,” Cas whispers. “Did I wake you?”

Sam shakes his head. He lifts his hand from Lebanon’s back and reaches it toward Cas, inviting him to the bed.

Cas shuts the door behind him, then comes over to the bed. He slips off his pants and changes into a t-shirt before he crawls under the covers, displacing Lebanon.

Sam curls into him immediately, nearly laying on top of him. Lebanon sprawls across their feet, her presence heavy and warm even through the blankets.

Cas buries his face in Sam’s hair, running a hand up and down his spine.

“I love you,” Sam breathes.

“I love you too,” Cas says easily, even though he’s shocked. There’s a warmth spreading through him that makes him hold Sam even tighter to him.

That was the first time Sam had ever said _I love you_.

Cas wishes the circumstances were different, but here, curled up with Sam, their dogs both snoring around them, he wouldn’t have it any other way.


End file.
